healing simplicities

Part One, that makes me feel disappointed and sad.

So, Noor is not in school, she is away sick, and no one really bothers with me. And thats just.. why do I spend so much time with people who don't even care, and why can't I even rarely be with the people that I really do love? How twisted is that?  What am I supposed to do when I can't find anyone I am comfortable just joining because they all just left me to STUDY MATHS? Not that I have a problem with people studying maths, but a heads-up would've been nice. Oh yeah, we're going to ditch you, find some way to occupy yourself. Rather than that feeling that my stomach has fallen out. Spending half an hour sitting in a window eating oreos and watching various generally male people playing various renditions of various sports while that feeling grows and curls is not fun. And you could've atleast have had the decency to acknowledge that SOMETHING happened, like a "oh where were you", but no. It's equally gut-wrenching to realise that no one waits for me after exams when Noor is not about. Noor who happens to walk out about two people behind me. I don't really think you were waiting for me. And I don't blame you. And I love that girl to bits.

Part Two, that makes me feel insignificant and lost.

Leading off from the lack of life-force that usually hangs about us, we were studying physics because "no one is talking because noor is not here it is like somebody died." Okay, let's do physics. And this is so stupid that I cannot even believe it, but I am not an idiot. I may be failing everything except Statistics, and I don't claim to be in any way proficient at that massive lump of "ehm, what." that is physics but seriously. When I don't understand, there's always a reason for it, and I'm always convincable. And no one knows what they're doing and no one cares because they get the right answer in the end and they can pass the homework exam. Like mechanics matters once the exam is over. It makes me feel so small that I can't ask questions when I notice things and get confused. I want to understand things fully, how else am I supposed to believe them and apply them? Its just sad that when I ask a question, more than one person can argue with me that some complete bullshit is true. And then I come home and do things slowly, and figure out where I was wrong, and their bullshit still isn't true. Do they care? No. Am I proud?

I don't want to go to school.

I don't want to be ignorant.

And I'm taking more wierd medicine and my stomach hurts and I just want to curl up and die. Which means that again, I'm not going to apply myself at all. What's the point?